I had a totally different post planned for today but as the days events went on I found myself needing to write. So here I am pouring myself out into this big blank white space, with a big tub of peanut butter and a rather large bar of dark chocolate. Today I found myself reading about a sweet little girl who had passed away due to her battle with cancer. I have been following her journey for sometime now and I just couldn't believe what the words on the computer screen in front of me were saying. I have prayed for her more times then I can count and now I am praying for her family to find some sort of comfort in all of this. I found myself sitting in the bathroom with big huge hot tears running down my face. There is something about the two words child and fatal illness that just shouldn't even be used in the same sentence. Today was one of those days where I just needed a good cry. I needed to mope around the house and think of all the world's troubles. I found myself once again seeing how fragile and sensitive I am. It is probably what I would tell you that my worst quality is. I give myself fully and I believe in good always. Some may call this being naive but let me assure you, do not confuse the two. I have always had a deep love for helping others and I will get myself fully invested into a cause, so much so that my heart is fully exposed and gets broken easily. I was talking to J the other night and I said I wish I could just be normal. I wish I could just go about my day carefree and not worry about anything, but I just can't seem to do that. It's a constant struggle internally with me. He of course replied and said, "that's what makes your heart good.You don't want to be normal. If there were more people in this world who truly cared the world would be such a better place". I know deep down inside he is right but I guess I am just wondering if anyone else ever struggles with things of such. Does anyone else find themselves caring so deeply that it results in a deep mushy ball of tears overwhelmed by all the messy things in this world like me? There are so many things I want to do in this small little life of mine and it can overwhelm a girl. I guess all I can do is to just choose to keep on believing in the good and know that there are some things you cannot change, even though I so badly would give anything to take away all the pain and bad stuff in this world. Until then, just know that I will still forever remain to be the girl who cries first always and who cares deeply with her whole heart.
Now I'm off to take a very long bubble bath
and yes I might take my Chocolate bar with me.